My One Shot At Stardom

Here is a scene from a script that really needs to be made into a full length feature film starring me, courtesy of the brilliant mind behind kim jong il's hilarious blog.

THE TERROR

INT. NATIONAL KOREAN ORPHANAGE FOR ORPHANS – NIGHT

The room is dark with two rows of six beds lined against the side walls. Two children sleep soundly in each.

A grotesque man, BORGE GUSH, creeps slowly between the rows of beds. He is seven feet tall with green, boil-covered skin, and he reeks of whiskey and feces. He wears a baseball cap, a t-shirt, frayed jean shorts and work boots, and his sweaty hands are alternating between patting his engorged belly and rubbing the stubble on his chin.

BORGE GUSH

(Laughing maniacally)

Looks like I’m going to be having orphan bolgogi tonight. HAHAHA! Little does the world know that I need the souls of these Korean orphans to keep my worldwide military industrial complex afloat. Once I devour the spirits of these children, there will be no stopping Borge Gush, and my evil worldwide criminal organization: the Anited States of Umerica.

Outside the door to the room our hero, FANTASTIC KIM, leans casually against the door frame. He is just taller than six feet, wearing a bomber jacket and male capri pants. An unlit cigarette is nestled behind his right ear and aviator sunglasses rest on his head.

KIM

(Sighing)

Just when I thought I had a few days off …

In a fluid motion, FANTASTIC KIM flips the cigarette to his lips and drops the aviator sunglasses onto the bridge of his nose. He strikes a match against the wall tossing it in the air and letting it light his cigarette as he pulls two submachine guns out from behind his back. With his elbow he smashes the “IN CASE OF NUCLEAR WAR” alarm and turns to kick the door open.

KIM

(Aiming the submachine guns at BORGE)

Surprised to see me, Borge?

The alarm triggers the bright lights of the room and BORGE GUSH is temporarily blinded but he knows the voice of his most feared adversary. The children instinctively roll under their beds, safe, for the time being …

BORGE GUSH

(Taken aback)

Fantastic Kim! But … it can’t be! I thought you were dead!!

KIM

Oh, but it is, Borge. It is. Now you have two choices. One: I can fill your bloated green carcass with lead right now. Or two: I can drop the guns and just rip your head off with my bare hands. Your choice, cowboy.

BORGE GUSH

(Pleading)

Wait. Kim, my friend, can’t we just … talk about it?

KIM

Talk?! Ha! You had your chance to talk, Borge. The time to talk is over. I know all about your plan to use the souls of these Korean orphans to fuel your war machines.

BORGE

Oh yeah? But did you also know about … this!

BORGE shoots six bullet-quick poison darts from his fingertips. KIM dives to his left behind the nearest bed and turns it on its side to use as a shield for himself and the two children behind it. He hears the next round of poison darts hit the thin mattress. The sheets sizzle and disintegrate.

BORGE

You can’t defeat me, Fantastic Kim! I have devoured too many orphan souls for you to match my strength. Give yourself up, and maybe I will let half of these children live …

KIM snuffs his cigarette out of his forearm, a practice he maintains to erase the tattoo of a loved one who betrayed him long ago. He checks the cartridges of his weapon as he hears the third round of poison darts hit the bed behind him. Soon the bed will have completely disintegrated leaving him exposed. Suddenly ORPHAN ONE taps him on the shoulder. (Ed. Note: Ideally ORPHAN ONE would be played by Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)

ORPHAN ONE

Fantastic Kim! Fantastic Kim! I can help you!!

KIM

No way, Orphan One. This is my fight. I don’t want you getting hurt.

ORPHAN ONE

But I want to help, Fantastic Kim. If I sacrifice myself to Borge Gush, while he’s devouring my soul you can get a clear shot!

KIM

(Remembering something from his past)

I … I can’t let you do that, Orphan One. I just … I can’t.

ORPHAN ONE

(Undeterred)

Fantastic Kim, this is my chance to fulfill my duty to both you and the great People’s Republic. I have the opportunity to give the ultimate sacrifice! Please let me do it!!

KIM

(Thinking for a moment)

Ok, Orphan One, OK

(rubbing his head and smiling).

If only more Korean children were as courageous and strong-willed as you.

ORPHAN ONE jumps out from behind the bed, waving his arms

ORPHAN ONE

Hey, big scary man! Over here!! Fresh Korean orphan soul for you to –

Before he can finish his sentence, BORGE GUSH thrusts his spiked tongue through the torso of ORPHAN ONE, recoiling it with ORPHAN ONE’S heart in tow. What he doesn’t realize is that Fantastic Kim has stood up with both guns cocked.

KIM

(Gritting his teeth)

Didn’t your mother ever tell you that it’s impolite to stick out your tongue!

With one gun he severs the tongue in half, and with the other he blasts off BORGE GUSH’S legs at the knees.

BORGE GUSH

(Almost incoherently, as he has no tongue)

Oh no, my legs!!

KIM walks over to BORGE GUSH, stepping through the oozing green blood which is raining from his stumps. He places a foot on both shoulders, pinning BORGE GUSH to the floor.

KIM

Any last words, Borge?

BORGE GUSH

Yeah, Kim. Go to he-

Before he can finish his sentence, Kim unloads four rounds into his skull. He sticks the guns into the back of his pants and slips a cigarette in his mouth from a silver cigarette case. The kids all emerge to gather around him. But as all this happens he hears someone slowly clapping from the door behind him…

UNSEEN STRANGER

Congratulations, Fantastic Kim.

KIM

(Pulling out his guns)

Show yourself.

UNSEEN STRANGER

Haha. Put those toy guns away. Conventional weapons cannot hurt me. But I will say they’ve done quite a number on my protégé.

The UNSEEN STRANGER walks into the light and he is revealed to be no other than CHICK DENEY…

END SCENE

I can already smell the Palm D'or.