I'm A Bad Man

Yohji. *inhale* Yamamoto. *inhale* Sale. *inhale* Bargain. *inhale* Bin. *inhale* Prices. Bought. *inhale* Jacket. *collapses from hyperventilation in fabulous jacket*

A Guide to Modern Air Travel

So as all of you have probably gathered, I have made my annual, trans-global migratory flight to the warmer climes of my hometown in Australia. As a veteran of long haul air travel I thought I'd share some tips and experiences for those of you less acquainted with the not so friendly skies:

1. Always (and I mean ALWAYS) travel with some sort of sedative. Ideally, one should have a variety of different types in order to cope with the myriad of unpleasant experiences one has to encounter on a long haul flight. For instance, in order to better handle the chaos at the check-in desk at JFK, have half a benzodiazepine on the way to the airport. I found this to be especially helpful when dealing with the vagina dentata at the British Airways counter who refused to let me take a medium sized Barneys shopping bag filled with Christmas presents and a pair of shoes as a piece of carry on luggage in addition to the chic (but appropriately sized) canvas weekend travel bag I was carrying. This is DESPITE the fact that all travellers are officially allowed to carry one piece of appropriately sized carry on luggage AND a laptop bag. But thanks to the magic of klonopin, I maintained my sunny disposition and proceeded to cheerfully suffer the indignity of having to unwrap the presents and jam them into my only piece of hold luggage, whilst at the same time remove the Birkenstock Birki clogs I was wearing (they make passing through security checkpoints a breeze) and put on the deer skin Trippen boots (which happen to be more inconvenient at security but more than several orders of magnitude) I was carrying the in Barneys bag. The gift boxes, sparkly wrapping and Birki clogs were then handed to said vagina for immediate disposal.

2. Once you are herded on board the plane, take the time to change into some soft stretchy fleecy pants and a light cashmere sweater before the overzealous flight attendants ensure that you are firmly ensconced in your economy class seat. As the plane is taxing onto the runway, chase down another sedative (again preferably xanax, valium or klonopin) with a glass of white wine (or sparkling if you can manage it). This will keep you in the relaxed and happy state you are already in and will in all probability transform you into the most devastatingly charming passenger the cabin. Now this is of vital importance as a well seduced flight attendant is one who will sneak you glasses of Krug and Taittinger, and fancy magazines from first class throughout the entire flight.

3. Having enjoyed the good booze and the in-flight entertainment, its now time to load up on the stuff thats going to render you unconcious for a good few hours. Before doing so however, you may wish to make an optional trip to the bathroom, stick three fingers down your throat and throw up the overcooked, 5 day old sludge they call 'economy class cuisine. Remember, its not your fault that there isnt an international protocol protecting the gastronomic rights of air travellers. Moreover, bulimia doesnt exist at 36,000 feet. With your stomach cleared and your teeth freshly cleaned with the cute little mini toothbrush from in flight amenities kit, its time to settle in for your benzo induced mini coma. For those of you wary of the numerous side effects and habit forming potential of benzodiazepines you might want to get your hands on something like Ambien, Stillnox or Lunesta as a means of losing consciousness.

4. Upon regaining consciousness, check the location of your plane and the remaining time left in your journey via your personal video monitor. If you are more than 5 hours away from your destination, take another doll, re-adjust your eye mask and inflatable neck cushion (I recommend the ones by Muji, they are affordable and are made with 100% soft cotton and not the crappy nylon that the airlines try to foist upon us) and go back to sleep. You should aim to regain consciousness about two to three hours before arrival during which you can rehydrate, perform some standing yoga stretches in the small area next to the emergency exit and freshen up in the restroom.

5. Provided that you have not overdosed or injured yourself by sleeping in an awkward position, you should be fresh as a daisy upon arrival.

Ciao Bello

Click here for Mike and Ange's Wedding Photos

Christmas Wish List

1. Haute Joaillerie


2. A Globe Trotter Suitcase


3. Cracked Egg (blue) by Jeff Koons


4. The Red Eyed Tribe by Chiho Aoshima


5. This outfit from Yohji Yamamoto


6. A Stuffed Chair by the Campana Brothers


7. A Goyard Trunk filled with Assouline books




8. A Cartier Santos Watch (the slimmer version)

We All Scream for Ice Cream

Gird your loins people! Only 6 more sleeps until I'm back in Australia!!!

To Dream the American Dream

I got a $3000 credit card from Design Within Reach (a hoity toity designer furniture store) a couple of days ago. I'm going to invest in a memory foam mattress. Lets hope i dont look anywhere near as wanky sleeping on my new bed as this guy

Haute

Robotic, romantic and absolutely breathtaking. Hussein Chalayan drags us kicking and screaming into future. Let us pray that our wallets and waistlines are sufficiently sized to endure his revolution.

Defunct 80's Pop Trio Seize Fiji in Bloodless Coup

There Must Be A Clover in the Atmosphere

New York got its first real day of winter weather today - the temperature dropped to a toasty -8 degrees C (and thats NOT including wind-chill bitches) - making my morning commute even more intolerable than it already is. While I am a largely fan of the 6 (for those of you who've never been to New York, the 6 runs south from the Bronx, through Spanish Harlem and the Upper East Side, all the way downtown), with its well lit stations and shiny new trains, the moment things start to get a bit frosty the carriages become overrun with try-hard gangsta types in their hideous do-rags and ridiculously oversized puffy leather jackets which take up about four times the space of a reasonably sized human being. Imagine being pressed up against an expanse of poor quality (p)leather worked in such a way that it spells "Gangsta" in different colored strips and then accentuated with rhinestones on every cross seam. Or better yet, a highly detailed quilted rendition of Al Pacino's ugly mug in a deep brown vinyl (for all you chulos out there). Now if these things just looked bad, i could simply close my eyes, and imagine myself in a place far far away but what really ruins my morning is the smell. The smell of cheap imitation cologne ("if you like the smell of eternity by calvin klien, you'll like....") masking the stench of stale beer intermingled with the earthy pungency of cigarettes and pot. Kinda like the Malboro man after a 4 day bender in a Mexican whorehouse.

How I look forward to the day when I can afford car service.