A Guide to Modern Air Travel

So as all of you have probably gathered, I have made my annual, trans-global migratory flight to the warmer climes of my hometown in Australia. As a veteran of long haul air travel I thought I'd share some tips and experiences for those of you less acquainted with the not so friendly skies:

1. Always (and I mean ALWAYS) travel with some sort of sedative. Ideally, one should have a variety of different types in order to cope with the myriad of unpleasant experiences one has to encounter on a long haul flight. For instance, in order to better handle the chaos at the check-in desk at JFK, have half a benzodiazepine on the way to the airport. I found this to be especially helpful when dealing with the vagina dentata at the British Airways counter who refused to let me take a medium sized Barneys shopping bag filled with Christmas presents and a pair of shoes as a piece of carry on luggage in addition to the chic (but appropriately sized) canvas weekend travel bag I was carrying. This is DESPITE the fact that all travellers are officially allowed to carry one piece of appropriately sized carry on luggage AND a laptop bag. But thanks to the magic of klonopin, I maintained my sunny disposition and proceeded to cheerfully suffer the indignity of having to unwrap the presents and jam them into my only piece of hold luggage, whilst at the same time remove the Birkenstock Birki clogs I was wearing (they make passing through security checkpoints a breeze) and put on the deer skin Trippen boots (which happen to be more inconvenient at security but more than several orders of magnitude) I was carrying the in Barneys bag. The gift boxes, sparkly wrapping and Birki clogs were then handed to said vagina for immediate disposal.

2. Once you are herded on board the plane, take the time to change into some soft stretchy fleecy pants and a light cashmere sweater before the overzealous flight attendants ensure that you are firmly ensconced in your economy class seat. As the plane is taxing onto the runway, chase down another sedative (again preferably xanax, valium or klonopin) with a glass of white wine (or sparkling if you can manage it). This will keep you in the relaxed and happy state you are already in and will in all probability transform you into the most devastatingly charming passenger the cabin. Now this is of vital importance as a well seduced flight attendant is one who will sneak you glasses of Krug and Taittinger, and fancy magazines from first class throughout the entire flight.

3. Having enjoyed the good booze and the in-flight entertainment, its now time to load up on the stuff thats going to render you unconcious for a good few hours. Before doing so however, you may wish to make an optional trip to the bathroom, stick three fingers down your throat and throw up the overcooked, 5 day old sludge they call 'economy class cuisine. Remember, its not your fault that there isnt an international protocol protecting the gastronomic rights of air travellers. Moreover, bulimia doesnt exist at 36,000 feet. With your stomach cleared and your teeth freshly cleaned with the cute little mini toothbrush from in flight amenities kit, its time to settle in for your benzo induced mini coma. For those of you wary of the numerous side effects and habit forming potential of benzodiazepines you might want to get your hands on something like Ambien, Stillnox or Lunesta as a means of losing consciousness.

4. Upon regaining consciousness, check the location of your plane and the remaining time left in your journey via your personal video monitor. If you are more than 5 hours away from your destination, take another doll, re-adjust your eye mask and inflatable neck cushion (I recommend the ones by Muji, they are affordable and are made with 100% soft cotton and not the crappy nylon that the airlines try to foist upon us) and go back to sleep. You should aim to regain consciousness about two to three hours before arrival during which you can rehydrate, perform some standing yoga stretches in the small area next to the emergency exit and freshen up in the restroom.

5. Provided that you have not overdosed or injured yourself by sleeping in an awkward position, you should be fresh as a daisy upon arrival.